annnnd..

i just realized all posts so far (ok, just 2 but still...) have mentioned glee. i just discovered this show. don't judge :)

Becoming who I used to be... or something

i never was one of those girls. you know, the effortless(seeming) ones. the ones with the nice hair, and understood makeup, and wanted to kiss boys. i was always confused, angsty, in the corner, hating everyone and not understanding boys, attraction, feeling worthwhile or welcoming attention. i remember feeling anxious to the point of nausea when i had my 'first date' - and oh man, was it a doozy. a movie, his parents, a jean jacket, a goodbye kiss on the cheek, and about, oh i don't know... eight panic attacks. attention paid to me was a problem. a warning. something to be avoided. and lord, i wish i could trace it back to something... one of my earlist memories was my dad telling me i was his favorite (out of 4 kids). i know he was saying this as a compliment, but jesus did i fell guilty. how would my siblings feel if they found out? it would crush them! the angst! i think i feel empathy pretty strongly, and hate the idea of someone feeling badly. even now i can't watch sports replays after an error!

all this added up to comfort food and lots of it.

so now, i'm trying to change. this blog is part of it. trying to find a community while i undertake something i have historically failed at, the reward of which will be not only a little better health and happiness, but maybe some friends along the way.

and also? i'll try not to be so damn depressing and 'wah wah'. i've just read back what i've written so far, and while i've vowed not to edit myself too much- maybe i should throw in some of the good as well. it'll help keep me on track.

to wit:
i got caught rocking out to the glee soundtrack in the elevator today. like really, arms raised like celine dion. there was eye contact, two dropped gazes. and then two sets of tapping toes as the music kept creeping out of my headphones for the next 2 floors :)